Why Relationships Gradually Turn Into Struggle - What Is The Way Out?

How does a relationship turn from a period of love and happiness to a period of fighting and struggle? This seems to be a common cycle that many couples experience, and some couples remain in the struggle phases forever. We will learn the fundamental principles behind gradual resistance built towards one anothers bad habits. Let's begin.

Gradual Resistance

You probably find something annoying about your partner, and they probably find something annoying about you. What will happen overtime is that irritation will take over and you will subconsciously build defauly defense mechanisms to protect yourself from this irritation.

We must first zoom back. I believe why this happens is because we have attempted to communicate vulnerably many times, and maybe due to ego or an inflexibility by both parties to compromise, eventually this becomes an area of tolerance, and therefore a repeated area of conflict.

To avoid yourself from engaging in chronic conflict, you create defense mechanisms. So instead of blowing up fully and having a difficult communication with high chances of no resolution, you create defense mechanisms around these flashpoints to avoid engaging with them unless the other digs into it.

Compromise Instead Of Acceptance

Acceptance is the fundamental basis of love and compassion, and you should approach your partner in that way, however we must not ignore the fact that we live in a society where the both of you will face the realities of life. Therefore, I think the answer is to compromise and offer flexibility.

Radicalism and an uncompromising attitude towards what you want is unfair for the other person. If you have the courage to say that you love a person, then both parties will have to meet in the middle and be at peace with it. Becoming emotional immediately as the topic is raised is not productive for anybody.

I struggle with this a lot. You must first create the safe space in which both you and your significant other feels comfortable sharing their vulnerabilities, while keeping an open mind and the compassion to listen to them without shutting them down immediately.

Around topics of identification, where a certain disastisfaction you would like to raise touch on the level of their identity, this can be very difficult. As you are not critisizing the activity or action that they do, but them directly, as they perceive it that way.

Situational Awareness And Observation

I used to have a strong impulse to "talk things out" and repair situations immediately as they are raised, as I hate to be in conflict. But I find it is important to take some time to think away from the situation and observe what has really happened without bias and prejudice.

Timing about delivery is extremely important in relationships. On your own assessment, you need to observe what the other person is feeling and speak about things accordingly with stratergy. This "calibration" is a little different from the usual calibration you do when you have fun.

In normal calibration where you do not speak about anything deeply, you are mainly just relating to the other person as per what they are identified with to create a connection. This is connection usually through your own intuition towards what is needed in the situation.

The very fact that you are fighting means that your internal intuition is insufficient in guiding you towards a productive soltuion. Turn off your brain and intuition, and turn on your senses. Speak less than the other person and ask questons, look and observe more, listen with your attention, smell their fears and insecurities, and taste your air.

Lead With Yourself

Instead of offering correction, lead with yourself and what you can do instead of critisizing the other person. Better yet, embody the change that they very much desire from you. Eitherway, if they are right or wrong, you become a bigger and stronger person who can accomodate any difficult person.

At the end of the day, you cannot control what another person does. Yet, it is unwise to choose radical solution like breaking up during a moment of dissappoint or anger. What exactly do you think will happen with the next relationship? You will just face through the same challenge all over again.

Best to just suck it up and learn how to reach a conclusion in this very moment. Learn to come up to solution that results in your personal growth and your capacities to love another person instead of chickening out unto the next get rich quick scheme.

Atmosphere Is Important

Serious discussion about your future or disputes over how things should be done should occur in beautiful places. Perhaps you are at a relaxing bar looking down the beautiful skyline, not in a busy and crowded food court or your dimly and depressing looking kitchen.

Your internal atmoshpere is also important. Are you approaching the other person genuinely looking for a solution? Or are you there just looking to get what you want and fight it out. Have you subtly developed a superiority complex over the other person because you'll know they compromise?

I understand that sometimes discussion erupt abruptly. In these instances, perhaps it is smart to slow down and ask yourself whether the correct atmosphere internally and externally is set. It is always okay to request your partner to discuss what his or her dispute is in a later time provided with specifics.

Multi-Stage Negotiation

Many people enter conversations to solve that problem within one conversation. If the situation is sensitive, that might not be a good idea. In M&A and diplomatic negotations between countries, you will notice that there is always a few rounds of discussions before a conclusion is accepted.

Non-negotiatbles is the fastlane to an explosive and miserable outcome. I find that the first step in becoming flexible and open minded is to allow everything including what you consider as a "non-negotiable" up for negotiation. It might be difficult and things can easily turn emotional unconsciously, therefore you should take breaks as needed.

It is a much more strategic approach rather than going in guns blazing like a bull in a china shop. You negotiate as much as possible until things the water reaches 100 degrees. Then you turn off the heat and start creating distance so the other party to soften their position.

Any relationship worth keeping, is a person who chooses you despite you being imperfect, or in other words, love and accept you for who you are. The right person will always return for you if they care for you. Not all relationships offer this level of safety, and there will be ugly situations where this safety will not be absent. In these situations, it is left only to your strength and courage to wait.

Vision Versus Reality

Why we are upset and dissappointed is often a result of broken expectations. Where does these expectations lie? Within your own head. As the leading marriage counsellor Warren Buffet says: "Marry someone with low expectations." Your vision must not blindside you to the realities you face.

The more expectations you have in how other people should behave, the more you isolate yourself from other people. Sure, you might have people in this world that will fulfill your high expectations temporarily, but they will dissappoint you someday and the cycle will repeat.

I am not denying about the vision you have for that other person. In many ways we wish that our partners reach their full potential. But, you must not set your vision (expectations) above the reality of who they are. You can only nurture, love and influence them into the person you want them to become.

Is you impsoe your vision on who they should be forcefully, you will create substantial friction within the relationship. Not only that, you will actually reduce the chances of your vision actualizing into reality. When it comes to relationships, soft power is used. Not hard.

Self Reflection

This is a nasty topic because everyone thinks that the other partner is wrong. But you must honestly look at yourself. Are you the inflexible one? Are you the one imposing unrealistic expectations? Do be reminded that why we often come together in the first place is because the other person have strengths that we ourselves lack.

In a scenario where 1+1 = 11, your strengths will naturally be the other's weaknesses. It is actually then unresonable for you to demand what is natural and easy for you to do. Provide guidance and show through your great example, and let them aspire to become like you.

So, about 99% of the time, the answer to that question is yes. You are the inflexible one who is unwilling to give up "non-negotiables" and creating unrealistic movie-like expectations that you yourself cant even fulfill. Ironically, there is nothing "self" regarding self reflection. Both parties need to answer yes to the question for a solution to arise.

Disguising An Option As Blackmail

"You are free to do what you want" and then immediately saying "but I will do XYZ" with "XYZ" being a blackmail like solution is not offering solution or compromising. Threatening the other to breakup, or something unacceptable to make the other person yield to what you want to do is blackmail.

We can say this is freedom, but you must admit to yourself that utilizing leverage is not the nice way to do things. Forcefully using leverage is something to do againts your enemies. Your family is not your enemy. We need to have the humility, integrity and the courage to not utilize whatever leverage we have.

Using leverage will lead to resentment. You can see that many families whose parents withdraw financial and emotional to force the kid to do something they want have deep resentments for their parents. Unless you want to create such a situation, I would advise against it. It will bite you in the ass.

Conclusion

I would say that if you are not in situations of abuse and addiction, then this advice will work wonderfully in your relationship. Take your time and learn these things slowly, it is not easy and it will take years learning communication skills over many conflict, but over time, you will find that you are more mature than you were before.

All relationships are unique, and solutions to coexistence is unique to every single different relationship. You and I are not the same, and we are not dealing with the same spouse. The both of you will challenge each other to grow a pair of balls and learn the art of harmonious and beautiful living.

That's it for me. Best of luck. Please check out my other posts and practice everything holistically. Send me an email if you want a specific topic written. You can see "coaching" to see if I have room to onboard new students.

Cheers,
FriendlyWrenChilling.