Top Dating Red Flags

I believe everyone can change with enough time, energy, and maturity. Some relationship dynamics may be more deeply rooted and slower to shift. Rather than labeling problems as immovable ‘red flags,’ it may be more useful to see them as indicators of where growth could occur.

Because more often than not, these "red flags" actually reveal more about you rather than your partner. So today, I want to explore the challenges you might face when settling down with a partner, and prevent the deadly trap of "nobody is good enough."

Rely On Peace

When you search for “red flags in relationships,” you will find many lists that reflect individual biases and limited perspectives. The risk is that such filters, when applied rigidly, can eliminate potential connections that might actually be valuable.

One way is to avoid over-trusting your attraction triggers. The feelings of attraction you feel for someone is usually misleading and unreliable. A more reliable indicator is peace. Peace is the natural state of the human mind, and if your prospective girlfriend can induce the feelings of peace, you can be sure that this is a very good candidate to settle down with.

Attraction can be misleading because it often reflects survival instincts rather than present reality. You are not attracted to that person in the present moment but you are attracted to the beneficial future you two could have together inferred from the present moment through your imagination.

Remember why we use flirting to induce attraction in women? The same thing happens to you. Attraction is merely a thought/imagination in your own mind, a projection of your own thoughts that might not accurately reflect reality. This is why it is very important that you ignore attraction and focus on peace instead when you are considering an long term relationship.

Securely Attached

We can only feel nothing but peace when we are securely attached with someone. Emotional spikes when you flirt can mask whether real peace exists. I recommend that you actually take the counterintuive move of stepping back and see how you vibe naturally instead of attempting to move things forward (escalate).

Anxious attachment often shows up as seeking extra reassurance. Avoidant attachment often causes lack of intimacy and structural breakdown in relationships (communication failures). Here are some baselines that I think are good for all relationships to aspire to:

1. Live together for 3 days per week
2. Create space for personal time
3. Go on one date per week
4. Show each others love language thoughout the day
5. Communicate openly and often on what goes on daily
6. Plan for the future together weekly

These are not rigid rules but structural supports for your relationship health. When they are absent, relationships often lose stability and fail to unlock their full potential. When they are present, problems tends to self-correct more easily, sustain deeper intimacy, and create a foundation for growth.

Radical Acceptance

Most people respond to unmet needs in relationship by breaking up, creating conflict, or retreating into avoidance. These strategies may provide short-term relief, but they usually recycle the same underlying dynamics.

A partner’s flaws are not "something to be changed" but are clues pointing to the attachments within ourselves. What appears as "lack" or "failure" in your partner is often a unresolved need/flaw within yourself. Seen this way, the conditions expose our attachments, and the attachments reveal the next step in our growth.

Changing partners rarely resolves the issues you are currently facing in your relationships. Even if you change partners, the underlying flaws reappear, much like the same obstacle encountered in different people. Until we recognize the pattern and integrate it, it will continue to return.

It is not that your partner is wrong or that we are wrong. Rather, all external problems are a reflection of your inner problems. Because the problems are a result of your inner reality, we should become grateful that we a patient partner who can accept us for our flaws.

I’ve realized through my own relationships that, although the people had different names and faces, the same themes kept reappearing; what I had taken as their flaws were actually reflections of unresolved patterns within myself, and only when I began practicing radical acceptance did the cycle shift from repeating problems to opportunities for growth.

The Lizard, Monkey And Human

The mind seemingly operates in 3 modes:

• The lizard wakes up when our immediate survival is threatened. It makes you do everything in your power to make you "safe again" prioritizing the short term over the long term.
• The monkey wakes up when the lizard goes to sleep. Unlike the lizard, the monkey likes to be entertained. He gets himself into trouble and retreats back to safety when he finds that the enviorement is too dangerous. This puts the monkey in a constant state of distraction, arousal and entertainment.
• The human wakes up when the lizard and the monkey goes the sleep. Unlike the monkey, the human is not egocentric. His primary concern is mostly humanistic, accepting, happy and selfless. It thinks about fulfilling others needs rather than his own. The human only wakes up when his survival is taken care of.

When you want to break up with someone because your needs are unmet, that is because you are currently a lizard. When you want to break up because you are bored in a stable relationship, this is because you are currently a monkey. The human is looking to invest and mutually grow in order to stabilize the peace in the relationship.

Not to judge because I too have been a lizard and monkey too many times in my life, and it causes a lot of unnecessary suffering. It took me many years of pattern recognition to finally understand what was happening to me before it was too late. Even then, sometimes my monkey and lizard comes out in uncontrollable phases.

The tip to get the lizard and monkey in control is to take a deep breath and slow down, perhaps do a quick 20 minute session of meditation to reconnect with your human. When the words "break up" leaves your mouth even once, the relationship is now permantly damaged.

Should I Break Up And Find Greener Pastures?

This decision should not be dictated by the monkey or the lizard. If you are supposed to break up, give this decision to the human. Here are some checklist before you make a decision:

1. Reflect first: how might your own actions have shaped your partner’s response? Genuinely make an effort to change yourself first so that you can grow into the partner for her. If no change occurs, move to the next step.
2. Countinuously establish open communication with your partner regarding your perceived issues. If repeated attempts at open communication consistently fail to bring understanding or a shared plan for moving forward, it may be a sign to re-evaluate the relationship’s trajectory.
3. Consult with three of your highest consciousness friends about your situation, who do not default to the words; "just break up" as some casual phrase. They must value your current relationship to have a productive conversation.
4. Once that is done, set a timer for 3 months (< 1 yr), or 6 months (1 yr>), and once that timer is up, you will pull the trigger on whatever your conclusion is at the end.

Some traps to consider:

• "Self-reflection" should be a an opportunity to grow. Growth in you should happen first, before it is "completed." In this way, you outgrow your partner and invite her to join you in step 2.
• "Growth" is completed when you no longer feel needy for whatever you wanted from your partner. This way you enter open communication without bias and agenda.
• "Open communication" does not mean to allow your monkey and lizard to say whatever it wants. "Plan for resolution" refers to attempts to transfer your insights over to her, inviting her to grow alongside you.
• Once the timer ends, honor the clarity you’ve gained. Commit to your decision. If peace and alignment return, continue nurturing the bond. If not, detach with your emotions and part ways.

Doing this in this way ensures that radical acceptance is in place. Growth has occured and you're no longer needy for "that thing." Because you're no longer needy, forgiveness is easy, making your communication and decisions non-lizard and monkeylike.

Conclusion

Hopefully I’ve helped you make a wiser choice for your future. Choose peace over attraction when entering an LTR, and if you commit, build the right foundations.

Accept your partner as she is in the present moment. From a non-needy place, your partner feels perfect, not because she fills a need within you, but because you have chosen her through genuine connection.

Conflict will arise when either one of you limits growth, but what matters is how you respond. I’ve outlined a flow of reflection and considerations to guide you if the pain ever becomes too much to bear. Respond to conflict a human, and not a lizard or a monkey.

That's it for me. Best of luck. Please check out my other posts and practice everything holistically. Send me an email if you want a specific topic written. You can see "coaching" to see if I have room to onboard new students.

Cheers,
FriendlyWrenChilling.