Solving Impossible Problems In Your Relationship - Defusing A Ticking Time Deadlock

Have you ever argued over a specific problem in your relationship to the point of breaking up? You know that this issue, if not resolved will be the end of your long term relationship. When you are alone, it is extremely nervewrecking. When you are together, a volcano erupts with you drowning. What to do? Here we will explore possible ways to break deadlock, once and for all. Excited?

Why Deadlocks Occur

All relationship issues may seem very diverse on the surface, but as I engage in my own fair share of arguments I have managed to notice something bizzare. All relationship problems can be basically boiled down to three specific tensions:

1. Autonomy vs Attachment

There is a dillema in all relationships. To feel close, connected and loved, we must erase the boundaries in which we call ourselves. But by erasing ourselves, we lose our sense of individuality and hand over our survival to the other person, which will may end up hurting you.

2. Growth vs Connection

All relationships forces you to grow. Intimacy exposes your weaknesses and flaws which demands you to show up better and stronger for your loved ones tomorrow. As you and your partner change over years, in what way will your relationship change with one another?

3. Handling Material Needs

Your survival stratergy affects your partner, and vise versa. If you are particularly bad at handling external affairs which can catastrophically affect your partner, this is no small joke. External situations never causes strain in relationships, but disagreements over how to handle them do.

Lets have some examples:

• Partner A increasingly feels that the bond of the relationship is insecure, because of that Partner A seeks for more integration and fusion from Partner B. Partner B, feeling that he is losing his autonomy and sense of control over herself, distances or withdraws increasing Partner A intensity of reconnection.
• Partner A may grow into a person who is post-conventional, meaning she is able to see many different diverse perspectives. His conventional Partner B, is unable to see these perspectives. Partner A feels increasingly misunderstood, while Partner B will never be able to understand, because to understand will need to result in Partner Bs own growth.
• Partner A repetedly offers housing to his "deadbeat sister" who is causing an inconvinience to Partner B. With a seemingly strong position, Partner A refuses to negotiate and compromise even one bit. Leaving Partner B with no choice but to endure small daily annoyance and unhappiness.

Diagnose The Problem Correctly

Issues should not be taken at face value. Of course, one must to advocate for his needs, but any good communication should begin on the level of hidden agendas creating the position. Through understanding, the negotiator must uncover underlying interests and needs. I find that these needs are often complex, competing and highly paradoxical, which results in confusing actions that you will find irrational.

Put your faith in my words that nothing in this universe is irrational. Any creature of intellect will defentely act according to what they deem is best for them. Your partner themselves may not even understand what is driving them to act in a certain way. Needs often appear as feelings or intuitions, not complete statements which they can readily communicate.

As confusing as it is to themselves, they must now answer to you who is requesting an answer. A noisy and emotional communication will likely ensue as you attempt to gather information about underlying interests. You must be aware of the following pitfalls:

• Do not get triggered over false facts and intrepretations or get pulled into a debate of what is true and untrue. If the both of you need to establish common and shared facts, do so first.
• Emotions are central, be ready and quick to acknowledge emotions and share your own. Allow the other person to feel heard and stay with them in their perspective before peddling yours
• Do not fight identity wars. Your partner will likely have a history of grievances they would like to share with you first, and the frame or picture they want to paint you as. Maintain the good image of your partner and communicate from that viewpoint, remind yourself there is no audience to win over morality wars.

Figure Out The Negotiating Table

Have you found out all the relavant parties interests? Great. Your intrepretation will likely be inaccurate since you are not them, added with a layer of your own self deception. You will even see this phenomenon even in your own interests. Very likely you will have your own hidden interests you were not able to verbalize even to yourself!

Now, figure out the BATNA. This fancy word just means what happens when there is a no deal. What will happen for you, and your partner if you cannot reach an agreement. Start the process of aggressively strengthening your BATNA without the intention of using your strong alternative as an ultimatium to coerce your partner. Your strong alternative is to allow the negotiation to survive, because it disincentivize your partner from using her ultimatium to blackmail you if she sees your alternatives as weak.

Now, create a few potential proposals which you think can clear your BATNA, and her BATNA, called a ZOPA (Zone of Possible Agreement). If the situation has no ZOPA, at the very end of the fight with your partner you must table a process proposal. What is a process proposal? It is some sort of mechanism that preserves both the individuals positions but guarentees a scheduled renegotiation.

The process proposal can create a easier mediation down the line even if the problem is not solved today. It makes future negotiations easier, and the agreed upon process of engagement will act as a facilitator for your upcoming problem solving sessions.

If You're Not On The Table, You're On The Menu

No matter how difficult the situation may be, you should attempt to maintain the integrity of the communication channel. The logic is simple, if you are not representing yourself in the conflict, there is an absence of new information for both you and your partner. Soon enough, your partner will not be making decisions based on her understanding of you, but rather the flawed, biased and incomplete understanding of her friends, family, therapist, her memory or internet.

When your interests are not being directly represented by you, others will now have an opportunity to forward their own interests when your partner seeks new information elsewhere. As a general rule, we should generally prioritize the relationship first over getting something resolved. This allows us to make small progress over many conversations, instead of concluding and coming to an agreement in one shot. It ensures that both sides always have a steady stream of new information that grounds different perspectives in reality.

This requires a certain sense of emotional resilience. It is okay to feel uncertain and uncomfortable that this conflict is festering in the backdrop of all your conversations. Surpringly, I have found that it is also good to tell your partner about your feelings. It sets a precedent that talking about certain topics is supposed to feel uncomfortable, normalizing uncomfortable feelings rather than allowing feelings to be viewed as backsliding or lack of progress.

Build Rapport During Times Of Peace

The best way to prevent deadlock is to prevent them from occuring in the first place. How? With every person you hold a relationship with, you hold a "goodwill" bank with them. Once this goodwill bank dissappears, a permanent breakup will happen because your relationship with them is no longer positive. During times of peace, it is important that we increase this bank aggressively so that we can cash it in during inevitable times of conflict.

How much goodwill you have banked in also reflects how much compromise you can expect. If the other person feels like you have never done or sacrificed anything for them, why the hell would they ever change or compromise their own needs and interests for yours? Change, compromise, accomodation. These are just words in which you have spent your goodwill.

Do not allow your gridlock to stand unresolved. The longer you allow it to stand unresolved, the more you resign, the more rapport you are spending from times of peace. Your bank balance is getting lower and lower by the day! If you have a good understanding of their interests, then you can make a good estimation of how long this conflict should last. Spread out your negotiations and conflicts over this time period.

Too much discussion without progress will lead to anger and fustration. Too much avoidance bankrupts your goodwill balance over time, it is only time when your balance will run out, and you will part ways. The key is to find a balance of when and where to engage and never give up fighting for your relationship, because you know where it will end up at the end.

How To See Your Problems Resolved

If you function of these three things to another person, you will be incredibly hard to replace. Somehow, you will occupy a special place within her heart and mind. If you can be the provider of this value, you will be unreplaceable. You want to know what that is?

1. A source of unconditional love and acceptance
2. A source of profound undertsanding, feeling seen and heard
3. A source of unwavering commitment that produces safety

Time apart or separation can happen occasionally and it may be inevitable. The only thing that might hold the both of you together is the durability of your love and commitment for one another. Love is not measured by physcial distance, it is within you and always avaliable.

Invest In The Holy Trinity

At the start of the article, I provided the three major categories in which fights are about:

1. Autonomy vs Attachment

Invest in your differentiation. Differentiation is your ability to remain deeply connected to your partner without losing yourself, and to remain yourself without emotionally cutting off from the other person. Can you not resort to solutions like emotional fusion or seperation to solve your lack of differentiation? How can you hold unto your sense of self without destructive techniques?

2. Growth vs Connection

Invest in your growth or your partner growth. Seek to bridge the gap and see how you can understand your partner better. Have the strength to allow your partner into your world, and let your ego aside to change your ways. Have patience for one another, growth takes time and you may be on the receiving end of the stick next time.

3. Handling Material Needs

Arguably the easiest to solve, which only involves difficult conversations and negotiation. Better your communication skills and invest in the capacity to express yourself. If you cannot articulate your own desires, how you can expect your lover to meet them? If you are not willing to have an open communication, how can you expect to reveal interests so that you can solve the root problem?

Conclusion

Changing your partner is probably the worst solution you can take. You will have to rebuild everything you have successfully built with your current partner. The grass is usually never greener on the other side, and your problems will catch up to you one way or the other. All successful relationships begin with one central promise, commitment. That no matter what, I will see you through.

That's it for me. Best of luck. Please check out my other posts and practice everything holistically. Send me an email if you want a specific topic written. You can see "coaching" to see if I have room to onboard new students.

Cheers,
FriendlyWrenChilling.