How To Facilitate and Instigate A Change Of Behaviour In Others

For most people, we can barely change our own behaviour, so it could be a hopeless task to do this in others. To an extent, to correct behaviours in people we love is necessary for the stability and health of the relationship. So in this article, we will discuss the ways you can instigate change in the behaviours of others successfully. Let's begin.

Catalyst Of Change

If you observe your own past, you would realize that you have never changed for someone you don't like. Change for the sake of others has always been an act of selflessness to cease causing pain for others. This means that change done outside of one's self interest will always be for the sake and well-being of the person he is changing for.

For most people it seems that they have gotten it upside down. People do not change for the sake of your well-being. They only change for the sake of their own. If you attempt to oppress them to change using a stick, this will not be wise. If you force change using force, the moment someone becomes stronger than you you're going to be in trouble.

Another foolish way of making someone change is with a carrot. You get X reward for changing your behaviour. This can work, but not for a long period of time. The moment the reward is achieved, you have to set up a new carrot to countinue to observe the same behaviour.

So the only way to make someone change is that they love us so much that they are willing to put their own self-interests aside for the sake of our wellbeing. So the question becomes, do you genuinely love them or are you demanding love from others?

Change Via Self-Reflection

First way change can happen is that they see the own problems in their own behaviour. This requires a certain sense of self reflection and ability to introspect from the other side. The moment someone can see that they are wrong in their ways, change will naturally occur because its now in their self interest to change.

So how can we help them notice this? Well, with time they will notice this themselves. You don't really have to do anything. But to make it go a little faster, we can facilitate introspection and self reflection. Give insights and ask questions that makes someone turn inwards and question themselves.

To make this a possible reality, we need to have a perfect understanding of their worldview. Most people would not be able to be impartial or be interested enough to understand someone completely, which is why this method fails. If you come about it from a position of self-interest, again, nobody will change for the sake of your well being.

Your EQ also needs to be high when timing when to ask introspective questions. A person's perception needs to be high for them to turn inwards and question themselves. Usually this only happens during times to deep relaxation so that boundaries are relaxed within themselves and towards others.

Change via self reflection also only works when it is genuinely in their self interest to do so. If you have something to gain because someone else change, people will naturally sense your attempt at manipulation. Approaching this method with impartiality, agendalessness, and purity of intent is the only way this will succeed.

Change For The Sake Of Love

This method can only work if a person genuinely loves you. If you are able to communicate the amount of hurt you feel from their actions with vulnerability, for most people out of their love for you they will be willing to change their behaviour for the sake of your well-being.

However, the hurt you feel must be genuinely unbearable. It cannot be cries of victimhood. The moment you deploy this method it means that you're willing to distance yourself and walk away from that person if he does not change. You're essentially leveraging yourself to make someone change.

You might ask, how can this be love? You're illiciting boundaries and forcing someone to change. To undertsand this, we have to understand that there is a difference between your ability to experience unconditional love and your ability to maintain your own body.

The only way you could keep the love flowing within you is that this persons behaviour facilitates your ability to keep your boundaries open. If a person behaviour becomes toxic enough, you would not be able to keep your own boundaries open without damaging yourself.

So what we are essentially doing here is that from a position of unconditional love, we are saying that for the relationship to countinue lovingly, you must change your behaviour to allow boundaries to stay open at a closer distance. The nature of our love is always unconditional, but the distance at which we can deploy it is conditional.

Change Via Inspiration And Example

Change can also happen if a person looks up to you and respect you for admirable qualities that they want to have within themselves. So this means that you can lead change with example by being one step ahead of their development.

However, this can only work if they see you as something they want to emulate within themselves. If they do not value the values you have within yourself, or that you are not developed in those dimensions of life, then this method of change will not work.

This type of change is the easiest once you're past a certain aptitude, capability and development. You'll naturally see that people want to be around you and emulate your good example. The difficulty is mostly just becoming the good example yourself for others to emulate.

In an intimate relationship this could be the best way to achieve change within yourself and your partner at the same time. Assuming that your relationship is based on connection, you should both share the same values and aspirations. So the moment you make a first move, your partner should also follow along naturally without needing to say anything.

Children and teenagers also change in this manner. Mostly the behaviours in children are taught and emulated by bad examples, so when you come along and make them happy, they would naturally want to follow your good example since you have an ability to make them feel good.

Change Through Trust And Presence

This type of change can be facilitated if you can keep your boundaries down and approach someone with total non-neediness. If you're just simply there for someone without judgment, people would naturally gravitate towards you when they need help or emotional support.

However, most people mess this up when they give advice that is outside of what they asked. You say no more, or no less than what is asked for from you. Their development will simply blossom by themselves with the occasional checkup from you when they face an obstacle they cannot hurdle.

You also do not interfere in their development when doing this. It's quite a saintly approach to change. You just allow someone to meet the consequences of their actions and let the experience itself do the teaching. You're just there, a reliable place they can confide in when they get into trouble.

Change Through Non-Reactivity

A lot of people like to do a small circus because someone is reacting to their nonsense, which perpetuates the behaviour. If you can approach an untruthful behaviour with non-reactivity, then a person would not have a reason to continue their behaviour.

For example, a person might like to perpetually get sick so that they can get attention and care from you, or they like to negatively talk about themselves because they know you will give them a boost in encouragement. If we just dont react, these behaviours will go extinct by itself.

Let's distinguish what is untruthful and what is truthful. Truthful behaviour will also lead to positive emotions while untruthful behaviour will always lead to negative emotions. It is another way to say compulsive behaviour versus conscious response.

Response is a conscious choice where all possibilities are available, and you select the one that serves truth. The most honest, non-reactive response is the one that helps the other person see their own compulsive behaviour and turn inward in self-reflection.

The mistake most people make in practicing non-reactivity is that their so-called “non-reaction” is actually just another reaction in disguise. True non-reactivity means you remain fully in control of how you want to respond, and that the way you respond will lead to self reflection in the other person.

Resistance To Change

Change is so difficult in yourself and in others because its attempting to dissolve your identity. Identity is an attachment to things that are not you, and we all should know how powerful the grips of attachment are. So similar forces are acting on the person when he wants to change due to identity being in the way.

It is also important to note that at any one moment there is a set of things of things that people will outright refuse to change. If that one specific thing keeps his whole life intact, it is very unlikely that he will pull his whole life apart even if its for his benefit.

In practice, it is almost impossible for someone to change if they are entangled in survival. So when survival is touched, to make people be more open to change we have to provide alternatives that will keep the integrity of their ability to survive intact.

Once that is taken care of, it is simply a matter of their willingness to open up to transformation. You cannot force transformation upon anyone, transformation is a journey that is walked alone internally. You're just simply a mother to anyone that wants your nurturing, and in doing that service, you transform yourself and the other at the same time.

Who Are You?

Suppose you wake up without one finger tomorrow, or that you lost half a kidney. If I pointed at asked who are you, what would you say? How about I removed your thoughts and emotions. Are you still you?

There is an intuitive understanding in everyone that he or she is not the body or the mind. The only problem is that you have gotten yourself entangled with your own body and mind. Your body and mind controls you, not the other way around.

If you cannot tell your body and mind what to do, change will be impossible for you, let alone trying to change other people. Some people have even took it a step further and confused their own worldly possessions as themselves.

All of these things can be yours, but they cannot be you. You are a completely sovereign entity. Once you can see that you and others are free, to even the dearest things as our bodies and minds, whatever change that you want to make in your life, it becomes a possibility.

Conclusion

We have discussed many dimensions of change. I hope you can use this article to first change yourself and then become a catalyst for other people's self improvement. These lessons of mine are hard earned through experience. I hope you can use it to serve yourself and others.

Change can happen by:

1. Self reflection
2. Love
3. Leadership
4. Presence
5. Non-reactivity.

It is to help others or yourself see that you have confused and enslaved yourself with things that are not you. Once this realization dawns, a person would immediately become free from the bondage of survival and reclaim his true nature as sovereign.

That's it for me. Best of luck. Please check out my other posts and practice everything holistically. Send me an email if you want a specific topic written. You can see "coaching" to see if I have room to onboard new students.

Cheers,
FriendlyWrenChilling.