Finding Love That Lasts Forever

Most people chase love as if it’s something to be found. A reward that someone else grants them. But real love isn’t given or taken. It’s created from within you. It arises when your boundaries dissolves and fear fades into the background.

Today, I want to take you into a deeper understanding of love. A kind of love that isn’t transactional, manipulative, or born out of need. This is love that flows from selflessness which transforms how you see yourself and others. When you can understand love in its purest form, you stop searching for someone to complete you, and start becoming someone through whom love naturally flows. Let's begin.

Understanding Love

Love is an emotion. Like all emotions, emotions are a result of your psychological process. This means that love is not something that happens to you from the external world, but love is something that you create yourself through your own thoughts and energy.

We allign ourselves with the emotions of love when we erase all boundaries with something or someone else. When this happens, we accept this thing or person as an direct extension of ourselves. Meaning, we treat them like how we would treat ourselves.

However, erasing all your boundaries with other people is not practical as a finite being. Therefore when in practice, love can only flow when two finite beings have dropped their defenses (ego and boundaries) totally, and allow Grace (selflessness) to flow through each others existence.

For others to drop their defenses againts you, you must first shower them with your Grace. This is not a manipulation strategy. It's actually a very honest signal. The purity of your intentions will slowly dissolve their boundaries againts you and will result to them becoming increasingly receptive towards your influence.

This means that to love others is a responsibility. For a person to come under your influence means that you are a leader. Whether you are a leader of 10,000 people, or just leading your girlfriend, you have a big sway over the future of other peoples lives.

This also means that love between two conscious entities will always be conditional due to survival pressures. If someone experiences a negative influence towards their survival because of you, they might just one day decide that they are no longer receptive.

Understanding Boundaries

Boundaries are a direct obstacle to love because it is a limitation to who you think you are. Most people understand that life is very fragile, and to protect this fragility they build up boundaries to prevent themselves from being hurt by the external environment.

Boundaries are built in two ways. First way is from your personal experiences. You were receptive towards an aspect of life and got yourself hurt. When the hurt happened, you build boundaries to prevent that from happening again in the future.

If you lack the negative experience to build up a boundary, then another way boundaries can happen is through the creative use of your imagination. You accidentally blend imagination (future), the present moment (the five senses) and the past (memory) to assume what negative things is going to happen (fear) and actively protect yourself againts that fear.

Where boundaries become toxic is when you cut yourself off from the sweetness of life. If you have so much boundaries that you are unable to experience the benefits of being alive, then what is the point of your existence?

If you use your boundaries as an unconscious reflex, then you will be forever cut off from all the opportunities within that domain of life. Whatever it is, good or bad, if it whiffs the smell of a negative memory you had from the past you will just say no.

So boundaries are not to be used due to unconscious reflex, but are to be used from a position of wisdom. When you can look at your past experiences with no resentment, fear and unpleasantness then you are able to discern more effectively what will hurt you and what will not in the future.

It's Easy To Love From Afar

Let me tell you a funny story. I'm quite the scuba diver myself, and every 3 months I book a trip to an island for a week doing 10 dives each time. When I'm sitting at the comfort of my home I kept thinking about how beautiful my experience will be and how much I will enjoy myself.

When I get to the island and do my 6th dive, I'm completely exhausted and wish to stop diving so that I can go home. Do you see the irony here? It is very easy to love something from afar, but when that thing is directly causing you inconvenience in your day-to-day life, you will quickly come to hate it.

Similarly this is true for relationships. You see the pretty girl over there and you just love her so much. But when the both of you are sharing the same bedroom, that girl suddenly is not worthy of your love! What I am saying is that it is very easy to love something when there is some distance between you and the object of your love.

Once the distance becomes closer and closer where the two of you start affecting each others survival negatively in some way or fashion, then it would be a great deal more difficult to maintain your receptiveness to love and may even start building boundaries. What a disaster!

So this reveals a very important fact about life. Love is right here. You do not need to wish that a person needs to be another way or go somewhere else, this is simply who they are. Whether you want to turn on your love right now or require a little bit more distance before you do so is decision you can make at any moment.

Choosing The Right Partner

So understanding how love and boundaries work, we can help ourselves choose a more suitable romantic partner for ourselves. When dating, a good sign that a person is meant for you is when they meet these criterias:

1. You are willing to change the way you live and behave for this person
2. There is a high likelihood of me not putting up boundaries againts this person in the future
3. I am receptive and excited towards the long-term outcome (10 years) of being together with this person.
4. I am receptive towards this person when I am around in their presence

However, these are just criterias to how receptive you are to the other person. For the relationship to work they must reciprocate their receptiveness towards you as well. However, it is important to note that love does not require reciprocation.

The decision to meet all 4 criterias is a spontaneous decision. The moment you demand recpriocation, then you have broken criteria number two. Therefore, the decision to love another person is a selfless altruistic act of our humanity. It is a service that we extend for others for no benefit whatsoever.

There is no shame when you say that you are not ready to love a person. Again, love is a responsibility. If you force yourself to take a responsibility you dont want to take, then it becomes an obligation of transaction, not genuine love. So better not cause yourself that suffering.

The Immense Power Of Love

Love can only flow through you. It is not an action you take, it is not a mindset to have. By dissolving your own boundaries and limitations through love you allow the great honor of allowing love to enter your life. When you can do so, your actions can act in service for others as well.

It is the nature of every human to expand themselves and their identity. However, they are limited and attached to their boundaries due to the fear of being hurt. Due to this fear, they have placed a limitation on themselves and the wonderful experiences they can have with life.

For example, I have broken my own limitations of being a compulsive needy guy who cannot get his needs met, to a compulsive needy guy who can get his needs met, to a guy who have zero needs in the relationship domain. If I had never done so, or only went halfway to the finish line, I would be unable to come back to the marketplace to tell you this good news that total liberation from neediness is possible.

When we act in the service of love by liberating our own limitations, we are in a good position to impact a person in a very profound sense that they can finally dissolve their boundaries in order to liberate themselves. This immense power of healing you exert on others is one of the most potent and powerful emotions you can exchange with another person.

How To Be In Love

Neediness and unfulfilled personal needs will cause our sense of self to contract and put up more boundaries againts others as a response to survival. Therefore, to be in love, we have to be able to have our personal needs fulfilled and our neediness crushed.

Second, we would want to extend our love by dropping our boundaries in order to touch another persons boundaries fully. This means that we prioritize their needs over our own. These should be the list of characteristics that would be perceived by the recipient if you are doing this properly:

• Patience
• Compassion
• Devotion
• Total service to others
• Purity of intention
• Inclusiveness
• Acceptance

I would like to note that love is not an action you take. Love is simply transmitted through your presence alone. Do not confuse love for intervention because love has no will of her own. When the object of our love requires our action, then we will take action. But otherwise, our nurturing using our presence alone is sufficient to cause her/him to blossom themselves.

Third, we must know when to create distance. When a person extract so much resources until the point where we can no longer satisfy our own personal needs, then perhaps it is time to create some distance from the person. We should not sacrifice our own access to love for the sake of others.

However this is possible if you are enlightened. When you become enlightened, your love overflows so much that it becomes impossible for another person to "extract too much" (no boundaries = infinity). In fact, by extracting too much causes his/her boundaries to dissolve and become enlightened themselves.

For us poor mortals who are not enlightened, we need to determine how much distance we want from that particular person. Ranging from never seeing that person ever again to taking a quick 1 hour walk for a little bit of personal time. Managing your distance depending on your requirements is crucial to keep the love flowing.

Conclsion

Love when done right can totally transform your girlfriend, and most importantly yourself. It is what sustains a happy, long and prosperous relationship. But this can only be done when you pick the right partner, a partner which you can love and whom loves you back.

That's it for me. Best of luck. Please check out my other posts and practice everything holistically. Send me an email if you want a specific topic written. You can see "coaching" to see if I have room to onboard new students.

Cheers,
FriendlyWrenChilling.